Martha Stewart, Eat Your Heart Out

Or, how to make a cake without cake ingredients.

What is that, poppyseed? Oh, stale coffee crystals?
Interesting choice.

 
I’ve learned there is a big difference between meanings when people say, “There’s no food in the house! We need to get groceries.” When my mother says it, it really means, “We’re out of fresh fruit and only have three dozen eggs on hand.” Chances are her pantry could still feed a football team. When I say it, it’s closer to, “Go grab a plateful of grass from the lawn, because there is not a scrap of edible food within these walls.”

Coincidentally at these pathetic moments, I often have an urge for cake. However, if I’m too lazy to leave the house for general fridge restocking, I’m not leaving the premises just for one item. These urges have yielded a creative batch of desserts involving the Google search “cake recipe no milk butter eggs”. That’s just vegan, right? Sure, but neither do I have flax, soy, margarine, or any substitute item that could make something normal.

I’d like to put in a disclaimer here that, occasional laziness aside, I love to cook and get a rush from making a successful meal. When I’m expecting guests, the menu is carefully thought out and prepared. Something might even be presented in a ramekin (look it up!). And I make a strong effort even when it’s just me, because, duh, I like eating delicious food. However, you’d never know I have skill in the kitchen if you tasted the wrecks I’ve produced in desperation. These baking adventures have been my private shame, until now:
 
Recipe #1
Fake Lime Yogurt Cake
This was the result of a cake urge I had about a week before I moved apartments. Blame it on stress. I had dry ingredients...it could work. I cobbled it together from a Ina Garten lemon yogurt cake recipe. The original involved plain yogurt mixed with fresh lemon juice. I had neither of those items, but I did have one container of artificially-sweetened lime yogurt in the fridge. Close enough! No milk either...so just toss in some olive oil. Mmm! It did have a citrus flavor, but with an overwhelming sting-y, saccharine chaser. There was also, unsurprisingly, a green tinge to the cake. As Jim Gaffigan would say, “dunk directly in toilet”. Except for the part where I ate the whole thing.

Recipe #2 
Styrofoam Meringue Cookies

Now, I'm not sure why I thought making these would be a good idea. Aside from the frothier version on top of lemon pie, I dislike meringue. This recipe would have to come out perfectly for me to enjoy the fruits of my labor. On the outside these little gems looked beautiful, exactly as you'd picture a fluffy meringue drop cookie. However, I'm almost positive I substituted the key ingredient of cream of tartar, because I've never purchased such an ingredient in my life. Oh yikes, guys. Probably a bad idea. Upon biting into one of these beauts, it partially fizzled in my mouth like a Styrofoam cup in a bonfire. The remaining plasticine bits lodged themselves into my molars and threatened cavities with their unbearable sweetness. File this recipe under "from oven to trash".

Recipe #3
Coffee Sand Cake
One day not long ago, I opened my fridge to find three Corona Lights, two red onions, and one bottle of terrible Chardonnay. That’s it. Option one, get a buzz. Option two, get a buzz then get a brilliant idea to make a cake. I took the latter. This lovely lady combined a few no-brainers: white sugar, flour, baking powder, vanilla. It also called for cocoa powder, but lacking that, I used some stale chocolate-raspberry flavored instant coffee that my mother had sent to me in a baggie two years prior. Unused because, like baked meringue, I don't like coffee. Not that that matters when you're delightfully mellowed by wine. On top of that I subbed olive oil instead of vegetable oil + applesauce. OK, I am sure you can already sense some of the failures of this concoction. The main one being that instant coffee crystals don't dissolve in batter and thus create a gritty sand texture in one's bakery. Second, aside from texture it still, umm, tastes like stale coffee. Third, for a person with no built up tolerance for caffeine, having a hunk of a cake with a high concentration is disastrous for bedtime. Uggg.

I'm sure the next creative dessert session isn't far off. I've been reading some great baking ideas over at The Hairpin, all incorporating the new peach-flavored cream liquor named Qream by rapper Pharell. The recipes all seem appropriately gross and inventive enough to fit the bill of a desperation dessert. Cheers to that!

Bonus bad bakery courtesy of my friend Sara over at DoubleTake: turn around and show them your terrible cake.