So You've Survived the End of Days

"Nothing bad could come of this!... D'oh!"

Wow, human society can collapse pretty quickly, huh? Like in a week! A friend of mine convinced me to watch AMC's new hit, The Walking Dead, a story set in the Atlanta metro area...in the Zombie Apocalypse (whoops!). I'm addicted. If riding a horse into a concrete jungle only to have your trusty steed eaten from under you by a zombie mob isn't a city danger, I don't know what is.

New obsession aside, zombie flicks have never been my thing. I'm pretty ignorant of undead lore. However, The Walking Dead is also an 'end of times' tale and, MAN, do I heart a good end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it story. Actually, it doesn't even have to be good. Independence Day, Children of Men, War of the Worlds, The Matrix, District 9...and the granddaddy, The Day After Tomorrow. All tremendously entertaining.

Sure, we could probably draw deeper lessons on human nature from the CGI terror of alien invasions, nation-destabilizing infertility, and global megastorms. But I couldn't care less about morality metaphors when I watch an Apocalypse movie. I watch for one reason: "How would my survival technique compare to these idiots'?"

NEVER go back for your purse in a megastorm!

I can't be the only one who's ever watched Independence Day and wondered, "Have any of these people ever seen an alien invasion movie?! This Welcome Wagon copter is going down...yup there it goes." Or as my fellow blogger pointed out after The Walking Dead premiere, "Why would anyone go into a dark stairway when there are zombies? Why would that happen?" Or why would that same character, later in search of gasoline, slowly wander around a gas station emblazoned with a "NO GAS" sign, but littered with dead bodies? Get the Hell out of there, moron!

Clearly these characters lack the imagination to spare themselves from dangerous situations the viewer can spot a mile away. While it makes for good suspense, the absence of forethought irritates me.

From an early age, I had my plan in place should I survive the Apocalypse. If somehow I was spared, I was going to head straight for my local supermarket (that survived too) and park myself in the sweets section for the duration. The power would probably be out, so I'd go for the ice cream first. Cool Whip second. Maybe you think this is gluttonous, but we're talking end of days. Whatever higher power there might be has already spoken. Also, I was 7. Simply by considering housing, stability, and a reliable food source, I was leagues ahead of several heroes in the previously-mentioned movies.

(Side note: For a sheltered suburban child, I had a disturbing number of "dire situation" blueprints. The most elaborate plan was reserved for when I finally ran away from my despotic overlords/parents. My mom and dad could have been concerned, but rather, in my adulthood told me that, "Yeah, that plan was actually pretty well-thought-out." Oh, family. You're always so supportive!)

Can I offer you some Cool Whip with that?

I guess the point of that trip down memory lane was: if a first grader can develop a relatively sane Apocalypse strategy, why are adult 'heroes' stupidly attracted to high risk-low reward situations? Michael Caine's character in Children of Men might be the only example of a "let's play it safe" end-of-times experience. [Spoiler!] He retreats to a lovely home in the woods, surrounded by books, music, his dog, and copious amounts of weed. That's pretty much the grown up version of living in the sweets section. True, his wife is catatonic and they euthanize themselves in the end, but was he riding horses into zombie flash mobs? Nope! And I respect that.

So, friends of City Dangers, please share. What would your first order of business be if you survived the Apocalypse?