Old Movie, New Review: Willow

I'm nothing like The
Lord of the Rings! Nothing!

After an unseasonably balmy New Year's Eve, Chicago has succumbed to an arctic hangover. With the "feels like" temperature flirting with low double digits, leaving the warm cocoon of home is unappealing. But, one has to be creative in battling weekend cabin fever. Selected method this weekend: 1980s fantasy film Willow and the finest bottle of Moscato $7 could buy.

I had lukewarm feelings going into this viewing. It was heavily endorsed by the friend who loaned me the DVD, but the cover art suggested strong notes of cheese with undertones of The Lord of the Rings. Nevertheless, I popped the cork and hit play...

Written by George Lucas. Directed by Ron Howard. Score by James Horner. Starring Val Kilmer. Wow, really? All those guys? Well, big names never flop, so this is probably going to be off-the-charts awesome.

Screen reads, "It was a time of dread..." O-kay! Good start. And within ten minutes we get the basic set up of things. Evil Queen Bavmorda is scouring her queendom for baby girls because one is prophesied to end her rule. A midwife smuggles the "marked one" out of the country by setting the baby upon a raft of reeds to float down river to safety. It's getting Biblical up in here!

Moving along. The baby washes ashore in a land of little people and—finders keepers!—Willow Ufgood, a farmer and dejected amateur magician, takes responsibility for the child. Sadly, Rodents of Unusual Size, sent by the Queen, almost immediately bust up a party in Willow's neighborhood. He's sent packing with some other small folk to remove the dangerous One Ring Baby from the Shire village. To throw her in the fires of Mount Doom. Oh, just to give her back to the big people? Less interesting, but I'll go with it.

We have paranoia issues!
And buy our crowns from the same place.

Recap: Snow White's step-mom kicked Moses out of the country and the Hobbits of Lilliput found the baby and went on an epic journey of fellowship.

Zip, zip. Walking. Glass of wine. Hello, Young Val Kilmer! Ahh, tied up in a cage. Just as I hoped. What? So Mr. Kilmer enters stage left as Madmartigan, a skilled/rogue warrior currently jailed at the border of Lilliput and Big People Land. Seeing Madmartigan's usefulness, Willow and The Hobbits [good band name] set him free and entrust the One Baby to his care, then turn back home to the Shire. Sexy, sarcastic assholes on the wrong side of the law are famously brilliant at childcare.

Val Kilmer in The Picture of Dorian Gray

Tangent. Poor Val Kilmer. So handsome in his prime. Smoldering if you will. He may have even won "World's Sexiest Man" from People (fact check!). Totally succumbed to Marlon Brando syndrome and now the only thing he is winning is eating contests.... and interviews with the IRS.

I'll be honest, at this point I probably was more focused on the wine than the story because 1) I'd seen it when it was called The Lord of the Rings and 2) I was daydreaming about Val K in Batman (Yes, bad movie. Not the point). And therefore the middle of this film blurs a bit. Pretty sure that Willow gets roped back with Madmartigan to help escort the One Baby. Also some tiny Tinkerbell-like creatures tag along. They all find a witch in animal form, named Raziel, and then the whole band takes it on road to get the baby...somewhere safe? Sure. Unfortunately for them, the Evil Queen has sent a search army lead by her foxy/badass daughter, to capture the baby.

Shenanigans and hijinks ensue. Including Madmartigan snuffing some of the Tinkerbells' "good stuff" and magically falling in love with the Foxy Evil Princess. Who naturally returns his affections. OF COURSE. I mean, 20-some years of evil training be damned. One hottie busts onto the scene and sinister allegiances take a backseat.

Team Awesome manages to elude Team Foxy Evil until a showdown at an abandoned (enchanted?) castle. Outnumbered, Madmartigan sets up the joint like Kevin protecting his house in Home Alone. Crossbows on a trip wire, bear traps hidden in the ground. Excellent stuff.

This is your brain on drugs. 

Willow, who I thought would have been a little further along on his personal journey of self-discovery and confidence, tries to pitch in with some pretty ineffectual magic tricks. It's not totally his fault though. By this point it's become obvious that George Lucas had different ideas than J.R.R. Tolkien about what about be useful on a cross-country escapade. Tolkien sent the (actual) Hobbits off with charmed chainmail and glowing lights, but Lucas gives Willow a braid of Willow's wife's hair. WTF. So not helpful in battle.

Despite Madmartigan's best efforts and the defection of Foxy Princess to Team Awesome, the One Baby is captured and taken to the Evil Queen. Ahh, as Kevin would tell you, the best home defense is Micro Machines and paint cans on strings. Try that next time!

OK. Let's wrap this story up, folks! Wine's almost out. Team Awesome heads on over to the Evil Queen's lair. Lair is not an exaggeration. I never understand why evil rulers have such grim homes. You command entire evil armies. Labor is cheap. Surely a few henchmen could be put to work installing granite counters and track lighting. Instead you just have...granite.

Team Awesome and Foxy Princess scheme their way into the evil lair. Foxy Princess stands up to her mom, only to be bitch slapped. But, hey, remember that witch-in-animal-form that Team Awesome picked up several paragraphs ago? No? Well anyhow, Willow finally used some real magic to make her a person again. She and the Evil Queen have an epic witch bitch fight ending with the Evil Queen getting struck by lightening through a grate in a dungeon. Is that possible? Oh well, she evaporates in a cloud of pre-CGI blood. Adieu Evil Queen!

Movie ends with Willow leaving the One Baby with Foxy Princess and Madmartigan at the lair. I guess it isn't evil now, but they better install some baby-proofing. Sharp edges everywhere! Willow heads home to the Shire and a career of being that guy at the bar who is always telling the story of his moment in the sun. Annnd scene.

Well that was fun! But I feel like there was a gaping hole in the prophecy of the One Baby. It should have been revised to say, "Evil Queen, your personal insecurities are going to bring you down because you stupidly believe an infant is going to take over your queendom."

Never once does the kid actually exhibit special properties leading one to believe it could POSSIBLY ever take over a queendom. At least in Lord/Rings it was clear that the One Ring possessed you and was totes powerful. The One Baby just seems like...a drooling baby.

DJ got us fallin' in love.

If the Evil Queen had just been less of a paranoid delusional and said, "Hey, I'm gonna ignore the psychic. I've got an evil army and I'm good for at least 20 years" everyone in this movie would have stayed home. The status quo would stand and the Queen could die of evil old age. True, then there wouldn't be a film. But, Evil Queens, let that be a lesson: psychic readings are such bunk.

You could also try not being evil...I bet that would win you a lot of loyal followers.

All right! So I can return this DVD with a good conscience. Perhaps in spite of my biases, I was entertained. I admit it! However, I do understand why this was the first and last Lucas/Howard/Horner/Kilmer effort. Happier ending for Kilmer and Foxy Princess (aka Joanne Whalley), who married for realz in '88.

Whew. This recap was hella long. Not sure I'll be doing any more of these, unless of course that copy of Legend comes from Netflix.