On Bikes, Part 1: Five Reasons Why Biking is City Dangerous

My trusty steed. 

Last week I ran out of money on my metro card, and decided that the rest of the month would be Bike To Work Month. I’m on my third day of biking and it’s already time for a list of things that make biking annoying and potentially dangerous. 

1. Bikers who pick and choose which traffic laws to follow. I know. I know you can’t be bothered with The Man’s game of red-light, green-light and you eschew play-by-the-rules cogs like me that live within in the double yellows. I know that when you speed past me with a smirk as I’m sitting at a red light sucking in exhaust, you are thinking, “This goddamn tool, waiting for the robots to let him live his life.” And when you cross onto the sidewalk to avoid waiting at a red and then don’t signal as you rejoin traffic, I know you are proud of your little trick. I want you to know that you sicken me.

2. Bikers who ride on the sidewalks and drivers who think that’s where bikes go. Yes drivers, you are right, the roads were probably designed for your horrible SUV/busted Ford Ranger/Audi station wagon, but guess what? I am going to use them all the time, all over, over and over, as much as I want, and there is nothing you can do about it besides drive slowly (oh-so-slowly) behind me.  Nothing.  Also, people who ride bikes down crowded sidewalks: why is this? And why are they always on mountain bikes that are too small for them?

3. The lights are not timed, or even coherent, really. If the lights in this city are in fact run by a robot, it’s definitely Bender, and not Data or Hal, or even Rosie. Most of the lights seem to be sensor-activated in the sense that they detect oncoming traffic, resent the hubris of a quickly moving vehicle, and turn red. (Aside: There is one glorious cross-town path that has sort-of timed lights, bike lanes, and little traffic, but dare I even mention it? I dare: it’s E Street NW and it is a beautiful gift.)

4. Georgetown. It’s a trap!

5. Multi-use paths. These are such a good idea, right? Cities big and small are tripping over themselves to make walking-biking paths so that they can be green/walkable/transit-oriented/buzzword.  What could be more pleasant than a three-foot wide trail packed with runners, power-walkers, bikers, skateboarders, baby strollers, and amateur cyclists (always with their logo-emblazoned spandex rompers) who have chosen rush to hour to ride three across? 

Now, it isn't all bad. There are actually a ton of bike lanes and a decent number of trails in DC, and the city installed some very useful "bike boxes" for tricky intersections, but StruckDC still has a lot to tweet about, so remember to wear a helmet!