I don’t know how or why movies seem to be made in pairs. Antz and A Bug’s Life, Mission to Mars and Red Planet. Friends With Benefits and that other one with Natalie Portman. It happens with TV shows, too, though mostly ones about vampires.
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| Oh wow, hands to ourselves, please. |
I have been a fan of the BBC’s Merlin ever since I started stealing it from YouTube two years ago. Then recently, I went to cancel Netflix, but ended up watching The Sorcerer’s Apprentice instead (shut up), and at the bottom of the screen, the Netflix Fairy recommended I watch Camelot by the Starz network. British accents? Premium subscription cable show? TV-MA? All the right moves, Camelot. It’s actually a heinous show, yet somehow I watched every minute of it. Odd.
Merlin is a before-they-were-famous account of the Arthurian legend that is probably meant for consumption exclusively by North London tweens (not to worry, I am an ex-officio member here). A young Merlin has to do magic to save Arthur and help him realize HIS DESTINY, but only secretly, because Arthur and his father have sworn to kill magic-doers, because it is illegal slash Arthur’s mother died of magic? Or something. Barely out of teenagerdom and prone to fits of shouty stubborness, Merlin’s Merlin is a far cry form the The Sword in the Stone’s higgty-figgity AARPer. But! There's corny banter, bad CGI, low internal consistency, and predicable endings. So, win.
Arthur: Got lost on way to lacrosse practice
Merlin: Got lost on way from DnD
Morgan: Pretty, confused. Oh, um, and it’s “Morgana." She is not Arthur's sister, until she is, quite suddenly.
Guenevere: Gwenny from the block.
Uther (Arthur's dad): Combative, irritable, conservative (Tea partier)
Lancelot: Vagrant.
Round Table? Nope, still rectangular.
Camelot is...A remarkably spotless 15th century French chateau. Not bad.
Merlin is in the same family as: Secret special powers? Heroes before they were great? Are we thinking the same thing? Yes, Merlin is actually just The Secret World of Alex Mack meets Smallville with British accents.
CAMELOT (2010-2011)
Somebody at Starz was watching Merlin one day and was fed up with the BBC’s lily-white Merlin, with his plot-perfect timing and twee mannerisms. You know what would make a good show? A really gritty Camelot, a morally questionable Arthur, a Merlin on blow that can’t do magic, and some incest/quasi-lesbianism/adultery. And that person was right, for about two episodes. Merlin is still helping Arthur realize HIS DESTINY, but Joseph Feinnes’ Merlin is hard to watch and whoever plays Arthur is intolerable. Offences include: trite monologues, scrawny and uncharismatic heroes, obnoxious bromances, film noir eyebrow acting, lack of justice, Clare Forlani. Sentence: Death by cancellation. Effective immediately.
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| When my brother, the King, whose sister I am, finds out that you have canceled the show, he, The King My Brother, will make his anger face and shake his tiny ponytail at you. |
Merlin: Cracked-out plot dump.
Morgan: Natural arm positions include: spread out towards the people, stabbing the defenseless.
Guenevere: Pretty, confused. A bit loose, really.
Uther: Newly dead by Morgan's hand.
Lancelot: Did you mean Leontes, the pouty Christian? (Actual quote from my sister, which maybe gives some insight into the way we are: “Actually, I don't know if he was supposed to be Lancelot or not. Seemed way not like the legend and I thought maybe they'd bring in Lancelot in a different season.”)
Round Table? DIY-chic. Literally soaked in blood.
Camelot is...Gross, Dumpy, Ex Pax Romana In the same family as...Spartacus meets The Tudors.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
FIRST KNIGHT (1995)
Oh man, so classic. The moment that Sean Connery shows, uh, the Guenevere actress the vista of Camelot and all the roofs are perfect blue, which matches the soldiers' robes: movie magic! Happily or not, they dispensed with a slew of the characters from the actual legend, most notably Merlin.
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| Funny you should ask, it's actually Sapphire Lace. Sir Guy wanted Cobalt Sky, but it was just, I don't know, too green maybe? |
Arthur: Classic Old Spice.
Merlin: Merlin?
Morgan: Morgan?
Guenevere: Pretty, confused. Again, loose.
Uther: Uther?
Lancelot: Young whippersnappers these days!
Round Table? Fuck yeah!
Camelot is...Fuck yeah!
In the same family as...Robin Hood:Prince of Thieves. Costner is basically Gere without all the feelings.
Eminently quotable and hilarious, which is even more remarkable considering the entire thing is virtually 100% historically accurate.
Arthur: King of the who?
Merlin: Nope
Morgan: Nope
Guenevere: Nope
Uther: Nope
Sir Lancelot: Rescuing effete, singing noblemen from towers
Sir Robin: Bravely ran away, away
Sir Galahad the Chaste: In perilous danger of succumbing to the women of Castle Anthrax
Round Table: Danced upon
Camelot t’is...a silly place and only a model
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Xd_zkMEgkI
LOL! I would have guessed it leaned more toward "Pure Azure" but I can see the Sapphire Lace now.
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